Big Wraps

In my job, I make wraps that people can order via an app. There's no limit to how much shit you can put on a wrap, and the vegetables are free. So some folks think they're smart.

Jesus Christ, could you pause for one goddamn minute to consider whether this is physically possible? Is that so hard? These are 12'' wraps. What the fuck are you doing ordering double spinach, romaine, iceberg, banana peppers, pickles, green peppers, onions, cucumbers, tomatoes, and more? How do you suppose that works? Do you think you're gaming the system? Because you don't have to pay for the veggies? Bet you're feeling smart when your wrap is just a 5000 calorie "salad" on a fucking burrito wrap. How are you going to eat that? By the time it's wrapped up, the thing is wider than my calves. I'd tell you to stick it up your ass, but I doubt that's physically possible.

Maybe the vegetable extravaganza is a form of self-trickery. Don't make yourself think this is healthy. You and I both know you put a double order of fried chicken and bacon at the bottom of this wrap. I don't judge what you put on your food. I'll put olive oil, vinegar, and extra mayo in your wrap if that's what you want (which is uncomfortably common), but when I'm through my third burrito wrap trying to get around your pile of free leaves without tearing it, I start to wonder about you.

Then I reach the bottom of the ticket. From here we're in the clear. It's just spices and shit now, easy. Except, at the end of every monster wrap with a ticket that hangs from the ceiling to the goddamn floor, at the very bottom of the order it says the most dreaded phrase.

Add fries to your wrap - 1.15

How? HOW? How.

You're clearly hungry. I get it. But you can't eat this. First of all, it is barely staying together. I've barely managed to get one end of the wrap to touch the other. Second, you could never fit this shit in your mouth. Not possible. Or if it is, I want to see it. Why not just get two human-sized wraps? It's more expensive, but hey, it's fucking edible!

I judge you people.